Angry face

One of the consequences of street harassment I hate is that I can feel myself tensing up and putting on my "angry" face when I'm walking down the street and passing a man (or group of men) that I'm afraid might say something harassing to me. I hate that I do this. I hate that I can't just say "hello" back to someone because I am afraid of showing any acknowledgement (or God forbid, interest) because then I'll just be opening up myself to more harassment (because as always, it's my fault. Right?).

Speaking of it being my fault, I am sure I'm not the only woman that after being harassed on the street thinks "Well, maybe if I weren't wearing my tight jeans that wouldn't have happened." Or "Maybe my lipstick makes me look like I'm trying too hard and is drawing too much attention." And I FREAKING HATE THAT I QUESTION THIS AND BLAME MYSELF. Luckily, I can catch my blame and think "No, this is not my fault at all. I deserve to walk down the street WEARING WHATEVER I WANT TO and still feel safe and respected."

Street harassment has really been on my mind lately, because it impacts my life almost daily. And it leaves me feeling completely powerless with no idea how to change it. My plan at this point is to come up with a stock response, like "Your objectification of me is completely inappropriate and offensive." Again though..... I hate that I have to think about what to say to street harassers. And honestly I'm angry that men don't have to worry about this (and please don't misunderstand me to be saying that I wish street harassment would happen to men - I just really wish it wouldn't happen to anybody). I think that's gotta be part of why some men don't think it's a big deal, because they don't understand how unsafe and dirty it makes women feel.

What do you think? Women, how do you respond to street harassment? Men, have you ever been with another guy and seen him harass a woman? What did you do and how did it make you feel?

"Get some self-respect!" AKA why I am a buzzkill at Sasquatch

Recently I was at the Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge Ampitheatre. I am continually surprised by how many women think it's totally appropriate to wear a bikini just because it's over 70 degrees out, even though they're at a concert festival and there is no chance of being able to swim in the river. Alas, I digress.

There were a couple of times when women (actually, I might as well just say 'girls' because I'm quite sure they were all under 20) were shown on the big screen and decided to pull their shirts up and show their breasts. While some other people are wooing and cheering, I'm the buzzkill up on the hill yelling "Get some self-respect!"

I posted a quick comment on Facebook about the situation and my response to it, and had a friend send me a message asking me if I've read the book I Am Not a Slut by Leora Tanenbaum. Part of this books' summary on Harper Collins reads:

"Young women are encouraged to express themselves sexually. Yet when they do, they are derided as 'sluts.' Caught in a double bind of mixed sexual messages, young women are confused. To fulfill the contradictory roles of being sexy but not slutty, they create an 'experienced' identity on social media - even if they are not sexually active - while ironically referring to themselves and their friends as 'sluts.'"

As a disclaimer, this is my blog and only represents my opinions :) And I am still trying to figure out my own opinions so if I say something that you disagree with or want to dialogue on more please let me know. I am just trying to figure this stuff out too. 

Here are some of my thoughts:

Part of the reason why girls/women that show their boobs on the big screen at a concert bother me is I don't think they're doing it for themselves. They're not doing it to feel good about themselves; they're doing it to show their bodies to other people. And to a point I think these girls feel like it’s expected that they do so, and that we are only to be judged on our bodies. If the crowd didn't hoot and holler at women who lift their tops, I think there would be much less encouragement to show one's breasts to thousands of strangers. And that’s why I think that some of these girls have a lack of self-respect. They’re brainwashed by our culture that sexually objectifies women, and they are self-objectifying to the point that the only thing they have to show is their body, namely their naked breasts. They don't respect themselves or anything that they are beyond what they have to offer sexually. 

I do wonder in the summary for I Am Not a Slut where this encouragement for young women to express themselves sexually is coming from. My biggest guess is that pressure comes from the friggin media that glorifies porn stars and half naked (actually WAY more than half naked…. more like 95% naked) pop stars that are supposedly the epitome of how a young women is supposed to look and behave. Which of course I have to call BS on all that… but that’s a whole other blog post. And the whole “young women referring to their friends as sluts” thing – yeah, we need to move past that. I will admit that, along with many women of my generation, I thought it was hilarious in Mean Girls when Regina says to Karen “Boo, you whore!” I also may have used that line with friends in the past. BUT I do think it’s time to for women to support and encourage one another, and calling someone a slut or a whore (even in jest) tears us all down. It makes men think it’s okay to call us that too, or for women we aren’t friends with to call us those things as well (and for us to do the same).

I do have to call out some of my own inconsistencies, though. My argument in this blog has been that women need self-respect and a woman that respects herself will not show her boobs on a jumbotron and that if she has the desire to do so it’s because she is being sexually objectified and objectifying herself to fulfill the media’s “expectations” of her. Okay, yep, that’s all well and good. However, I know that I fall prey to this in other categories. For example, I wear makeup. Do I wear makeup because society tells me to? Or do I wear makeup because I like it? OR, even more confusingly, is it impossible to separate the two? Would I even think about makeup or liking makeup if it wasn’t socially expected?

At the end of the day, I think part of the key to feminism and female empowerment is women truly knowing themselves, at the deepest part of their souls. When we are true to ourselves and act in a way that is in accordance with our hearts, and we encourage other women to act the same, that is a step in the right direction. And we should continue to sharpen our minds and strengthen our hearts by reading, volunteering at a food bank, caring for our friends and strangers.... all these things will remind us that we are indeed more than our bodies and we are holistic, beautiful people regardless of the clothes we were or the makeup we cake on our faces. 

What do you think? Would you read a book called I Am Not a Slut? Would you yell at girls showing their boobs on the jumbotron? Would you show your boobs on the jumbotron?

Let me know what you're thinking. 

For lack of a better title: Street harassment sucks

I would be willing to bet that you could ask just about any female you know (especially if she is under 50 years old) if she's ever been the victim of street harassment, and she will say yes. I unfortunately can say yes to that question as well. I've been the victim of street harassment more times than I can count. Usually I get pissed off, text a bunch of friends about it, receive their support, and then slowly move on.

Last week I was harassed walking from my car to my workplace. Not that it matters, but to paint a picture for you: it's Friday morning, 8am, and I am exhausted. So exhausted I was ready to break down at any moment. Exhausting week, lots of stuff going on and little sleep. I'm walking past a parked black car and there's a man in his 50's sitting in it. "Hey there good lookin'!" he says. I slow down and literally stare at him in my tired daze, thinking that maybe I know him, in which case this exchange will be funny. "Excuse me?" I say. I realize that I indeed do not know him, and he says "Lookin' good today!" As I was processing what was happening, all I could say was "I don't know you!" He looks at me, a little confused. "You are being incredibly rude!" I say. He still seems confused and sits there for a moment looking at me, and then he speeds off.

I'm left, continuing on my walk to work, super pissed and now it was my turn to be confused as I'm trying to process what just happened. As any twenty-something would do, I post about it on Facebook when I get into my office. I have many amazingly supportive friends (men and women) who respond with comments like "Sending good thoughts your way!" and "Thanks for calling him out!"and probably my favorite response from my co-worker, a guy in his 40s: "Sorry you have to endure this and all women endure this disrespectful and disgusting behavior. Thanks for posting and letting folks know - we need to correct this as a culture."

I have to admit that for some reason, this instance of street harassment has really stuck with me. Maybe it's because it was only 5 days ago. Maybe it's because I'm just really freaking fed up with all this bullshit. To be honest I think a big part of it is that I was harassed while walking from my car (where I frequently park) into my workplace. This is a stretch of road I walk multiple times per week, if not multiple times per day. And I'm realizing that I'm kind of freaked out to walk that stretch of road, like he's going to drive by again and recognize me. That makes me so angry that this guy, with literally 8 words coming out of his mouth, has made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable not just in that moment when he harassed me, but EVERY TIME I'VE WALKED THAT STRETCH OF ROAD SINCE. To be honest this experience pales immensely in comparison, but has made me think about the women I've sat with at the hospital as an advocate after they've been sexually assaulted, and how many of them were assaulted in their home, in a friend's home, at work, etc, and not only do they have to revisit those places but many of them were assaulted by MEN THEY KNOW, men they'll have to see again. Men who are their bosses. Men who are their brother's friend.

It tears my heart apart to know that people's actions can have such a life-shattering impact on others. That many people who are sexually assaulted are never able to trust again, are never able to feel comfortable in certain situations, are never able to fully LIVE again. Just my small experience with street harassment has opened my eyes further to what these amazingly brave survivors are dealing with.

So? What do we do? I think so much of it starts with how we treat women and value them, or how we mistreat and don't value them. When are we all going to stand up and say this is not okay? When are we as a culture and as individuals going to stop objectifying women? And women, when are we going to stop objectifying ourselves? We are all worth so much more, and deserve to feel safe and valued in ALL SITUATIONS. I hope, pray, and work towards a day when that is true for everyone. Until then, I am grateful for my friends and colleagues - these amazing women and men I am honored to know - that are working for change, that are having tough conversations. I value all of you and am so glad to have you as my partners on this tough road.